×

Tired of missing our articles? Get our 'Top 5' sent to you weekly

No Thanks

What If NFL Teams Had to Pick Bible Characters?

What If NFL Teams Had to Pick Bible Characters?

NFL teams are on the clock looking to improve their rosters through the draft.

A twist: what if the big board were only comprised of historical biblical characters?

Who does each team pick? Below are the results of the first round:

1. Los Angeles Rams - Samson, LB, Zora University

The Rams shock the world by taking the best linebacker in this year’s draft. Samson has a history of off the field issues but there is no doubting his physical ability. 300 lb offensive lineman do not stand a chance against a man who has dominated thousands of blockers at once. He is an athletic freak whose astronomical numbers at the combine had him skyrocket up teams’ big boards. The biggest weakness, aside from his hair being cut, will be the distraction of cheerleaders from the opposing teams. If he can keep his focus on the field, he will help solidify the back end of the Rams defense for 20 years.

Career Highlights: Judges 13-16

2. Philadelphia Eagles – Joseph, QB, Canaan College

The Eagles finally get their franchise quarterback. Joseph has everything you could ask for out of this position. He was not only told by God in a dream that he would be successful, but he also had the swagger to tell his father and brothers about it. He has faced adversity at every level and has always earned his spot through years of hard work. Look for him to ride the bench his first year before proving himself in practice. Although a little undersized, Joseph makes up for it with his quick thinking and ability to escape difficult situations.

Career Highlights: Genesis 37-50

3. San Diego Chargers – Goliath, OT, Philistine University

The Chargers fortify the left side of their line with this pick. A skilled warrior in the trenches, Goliath is a massive human. At 9’6” and 545lbs, any defensive end will need to take the long way around. You are not bull-rushing this guy and he will let you know about it too. Said by many analysts to be overconfident, Goliath has no problem telling opponents how he feels. Although he has a history of getting knocked out by small rocks, a helmet should make him nearly unstoppable.

Career Highlights: 1 Samuel 17

4. Dallas Cowboys – Jacob, RB, University of Paddan-aram

The Cowboys fill a big need by taking the best running back on the board with Jacob. A master at the art of misdirection, Jacob routinely fooled defenders into thinking he was going one way before changing courses at the last minute. If he can get to the edge, there is no catching this guy. He looks most comfortable when he is running for his life, but he also has a lot of mileage on his legs. As long as he can fully heal from a hip injury he sustained last year in a wrestling match off campus, he should be the three down back the Cowboys are looking for.

Career Highlights: Genesis 25-35

5. Jacksonville Jaguars – Pharoah, CB, Egypt University

The Jaguars take a chance on the big cornerback from EU. Scouts absolutely love his stubbornness on the field. He has a knack for bouncing right back after he gets burned by acting like it never even happened. Short term memory is a great trait for any CB and Pharoah has plenty of it. Although he is a violent hitter, he may forever be plagued by his inability to intercept the Israelites during his last collegiate game. The Jaguars are hoping this battle tested veteran can step in right away and contribute.

Career Highlights: Exodus 7-14

6. Baltimore Ravens - Job, DT, UZ College

The Ravens roll the dice with the undersized DT from Uz College. Once considered the greatest DT the college game has ever seen, his Junior year was marred by injury after injury...after injury. On top of that, several teammates questioned whether his injuries were self inflicted. Despite the enormous setback, Job stunningly put together a senior season that have scouts drooling. Is it possible that he is better now after his injuries? The Ravens sure hope so.

Career Highlights: The book of Job

7. San Francisco 49ers - Nimrod, LG, Shinar University

The 49ers take a huge risk on one of the more unknown names in this year’s draft: Nimrod. The scouting report on him is very minimal but it says all they needed to know. He is a “heroic warrior”…that’s it. San Francisco is hoping this heroic warrior will solidify the trenches.

Career Highlights: Genesis 10:8

8. Cleveland Browns - Noah, S, Floodwaters Bible College

The Browns get the anchor for their defense in Noah. While playing safety for FBC, Noah single handedly prevented disasters from any aerial attack his team faced. The scouting report on Noah is pretty straightforward: he does not have a great feel for the game, but if you give him a playbook, he will faithfully devour it and perfect any scheme the coaches ask of him. The Browns would be wise to give Noah a flood of information early on. He can handle it.

Career Highlights: Genesis 6-9

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Boaz, RT, College of Bethlehem

The Buccaneers add stability to their offensive line with Boaz. In Boaz, the Bucs are getting a player who is not extraordinary in anything, but good at just about everything. Scouts describe him as responsible for his side of the offensive line and a man who takes protection (of his quarterback) seriously. This pick may not be flashy, but it fills a huge need.

Career Highlights: Ruth 2-4

10. New York Giants - Paul, RB, Damascus Road College

The Giants select their franchise running back by grabbing the small, but pesky runner out of DRC. Despite his small stature, Paul is not afraid to run right into the middle of trouble. His history of concussions aside, Paul is perhaps the most determined, aggressive, and passionate player in this year’s draft. The Giants can be sure that he will beat his body to help this team succeed. On a side note, he had been lobbying for the last few months to go to New York to play in the NFL’s biggest market. Does he have aspirations beyond just playing for the Giants? Only time will tell.

Career Highlights: Acts 9-28

11. Chicago Bears - Zacchaeus, WR, University of Jericho

The short, speedy, shifty, and sometimes shady receiver out of UJ lands in Chicago. Zacchaeus has great hands, often stealing passes out of the hands of waiting defenders. The biggest knock on Zacchaeus is that many scouts believe he rode the success of his team to stardom. There was no shortage of riches on offense at the University of Jericho and there is a chance Zacchaeus was merely a product of a successful program. He may have to adapt his game to have a chance at stardom in the NFL.

Career Highlights: Luke 19:1-10

12. New Orleans Saints - Nehemiah, DT, Babylon University

The Saints grab a cornerstone for their defense in Nehemiah. While in college, Nehemiah and the rest of his defensive line were known as “The Wall”. He has a unique ability to rally his teammates in moments of turmoil and actually thrives in road games where the opponents are taunting him. The Saints are hoping he can build a similar wall in New Orleans. Opposing running backs beware, there will very little holes to run through in New Orleans with the arrival of Nehemiah.

Career Highlights: The book of Nehemiah

13. Miami Dolphins - Jonah, QB, Tarshish College

The Dolphins were not the only team high on Jonah, but in the end, they were able to swallow him up before anybody else. Jonah is a bit of an oddity at the quarterback position. He is a scramble first quarterback, not because he is particularly fast, but because he fears taking a risk by throwing the ball downfield. The biggest knock on him is that he gets easily overwhelmed. He will slide into the backup role and thrive as a player who can step in when called upon, as long as you don't ask him to do too much. After making a big splash in free agency, the Dolphins make an under the radar pick here with Jonah.

Career Highlights: The book of Jonah

14. Oakland Raiders - Peter, CB, Galilee College of Aquatics

The Raiders use their 1st round pick on the confident cornerback. Peter is not afraid to talk. He is a gambler at the cornerback position who thrives when he is targeted by curious quarterbacks. No stranger to failure and putting his foot in his mouth, Peter has a unique ability to press on after his (many) mistakes. The Oakland media will have a lot of fun with Peter and his unique...personality.

Career Highlights: Matthew 4-26

15. Tennessee Titans – John the Baptist, C, Judea Southern Universit

The Titans make an interesting choice on a guy that will never be a long term solution at his position. With that being said, Baptist does a fantastic job of getting his hands dirty and making sure everything is set for the offense to shine. Scouts all agree that he seems to enjoy setting others up for success. Count on Baptist to fortify the center position for the Titans until a better option comes along in free agency.

Career Highlights: Matthew 3

16. Detroit Lions - Bartimaues, LT, Jericho Junior College

The Lions finally get their guy to solidify the left side of the offensive line. The Lions wanted a player who could empathize with what their qb was feeling on his blind side. Who better to do this than someone who was actually blind? What he lacks in vision, he makes up for with an imposing name: Bartimaues. What else do the Lions love about this selection? Left tackle is one of the premiere positions in the league and Bartimaues is poor. They probably won’t have to break the bank to get him to sign long term.

Career Highlights: Mark 10:46-52

17. Atlanta Falcons - Elijah, WR, Tishbe University at Gilead

The Falcons go all in on the passing game by drafting Elijah out of TUG. Though he has the stats to justify getting picked here, his shining moment came in the bowl game when he outran the entire Jezebel defense. The boy can flat out fly. The yellow flag on Elijah is that he has a tendency to taunt the opposing teams. With that being said, he has a habit of backing it up. The Falcons sacrificed a bit on defense with this pick but their offensive firepower is undeniable.

Career Highlights: 1 Kings 17-19

18. Indianapolis Colts - Joshua, RB, Israel University

The Colts get the hardest runner in the draft in Joshua. Scouts have raved all spring about this guy and two words continue to come out of their mouths: strong and courageous. Joshua is not a make you miss back. He is a run you over at full speed and then move on to the next defender type of back. His punishing style has been known to excite his fellow teammates to elevate their game. Combined with their ferocious aerial attack, the Colts should be firing on all cylinders with their newfound ground assault.

Career Highlights: The book of Joshua

19. Buffalo Bills - Jabez, DE, Central Judah University

Jabez was one of the most disruptive rushers in the college game last year. Scouts will point out that he is a one trick pony...but it is a great one trick. His game is simple. He has one go to move and he has perfected it. The Bills know exactly what they are getting with this pick and so does anyone who tries to block him. By keeping it simple, Jabez will continue to thrive at the next level.

Career Highlights: 1 Chronicles 4:10

20. New York Jets - Og, ST, Bashan School of Arts

The Jets roll the dice with the special teams ace out of Bashan. What makes this guy so special and worthy of a first round investment? His size. Og stands at 10’8” tall. Rumor has it that his bed is 13’ long! Combined with his giant size, he has a vertical leap of 42”. In 2015 alone Og was able to block 14 field goal attempts and 22 extra point attempts. Look for opponents to put their kicking game on hold when the Jets come to town.

Career Highlights: Deuteronomy 3:11

21. Washington Redskins - Moses, QB/WR, Hebrew University at Egypt

The dual threat quarterback who can play just about any position asked of him goes to the Redskins. Moses can do it all. He can receive just about anything thrown his way and if you give give him enough instructions, he can pass anything along. A reluctant and quiet leader, Moses led his college team from the cellar to the promised land in just a few months. Interesting fact about Moses: his brother, Aaron, runs all of his social media accounts.

Career Highlights: The book of Exodus

22. Houston Texans - Jethro, QB, Midian College

The Texans grab the smartest quarterback in the draft. Jethro, a relatively unknown player during his time at MC, turned heads in the pre draft process when he aced the wonderlic test. Jethro may not have the physical skills needed for the quarterback position but scouts are drooling over his feel for the game. He is able to read a defense quickly and figure out exactly what it will take to beat it. The Texans will hope that Jethro wins out the starting spot but, if nothing else, will be excited to have him giving advice to leaders in their organization for years to come.

Career Highlights: Exodus 18

23. Minnesota Vikings - David, LB, Judah High School

The Vikings get perhaps the steal of the draft as they take a chance on the high school phenom out of Judah. David made a name for himself last year when he absolutely rocked Goliath on his way to helping his team win the state championship. The savvy Vikings know that David has a long history of destroying Lions and Bears which makes him the perfect fit in the NFC North. Although he has been declared the next great linebacker, he is undersized and his emotional style of play has led to outbursts of weeping and bouts of depression. He will take time to develop but this pick end up making Minnesota the Kings of the NFC North.

Career Highlights: 1 Samuel 16 – 2 Samuel 24

24. Cincinnati Bengals - Donkey, K, Balaam University

The Bengals grab the best kicker to come out of the college game in the last decade with the selection of Donkey out of BU. Although his english is a little spotty, his leg does most of his talking for him. Despite constant taunts from opposing teams that seem to rattle him, once the ball leaves his foot there seems to be some angelic force that carries it through the uprights. Playfully nicknamed “Donkey Kick” by the fans, the Bengals can only hope he comes close to matching his collegiate production.

Career Highlights: Numbers 22:21-39

25. Pittsburgh Steelers - Mordecai, DE, University of Persia

The Steelers grab perhaps the sneakiest defensive player in the draft. Mordecai often gets ignored because of his simple style of play. However, when you least expect it, he will get after your quarterback. You do not hear this often for a defensive player, but Mordecai has been labeled as “clutch” because of his tendency to come on strong late in games. The Steelers are hoping that Mordecai makes a habit of spoiling the plans of opposing offenses.

Career Highlights: Book of Esther

26. Seattle Seahawks - Eglon, C, The Moab University

The Seahawks get an absolute mauler to lead their offensive line. Eglon, a 460 lb center, has been described by scouts as “tyrannical” because of his tendency to run over anyone who stands in his way. He plays with a mean streak rivaled only by medieval kings. The only red flag on Eglon is his inability to successfully handle left handed opponents. Look for opposing defenses to line up their best lefties to knife through the center’s soft spot.

Career Highlights: Judges 3

27. Green Bay Packers - Mary, WR, Nazareth College of the Arts

The Packers make history by drafting the first woman to play in the NFL! Though shocking, the pick makes sense. The Packers utilized the Hail Mary pass on two separate occasions last year and there was talk in the offseason of making it a more central component of the offense. Who better to have waiting in the end zone than Mary herself? The rest of the NFC North better hope her future children do not feel a sense of loyalty to the Packer organization.

Career Highlights: Matthew 1-2

28. Kansas City Chiefs - Saul, WR, College of Benjamin

The Chiefs get their man in Saul. What’s not to like about this guy? He is big, tall, fast, and handsome. One of the more driven prospects to come out of Benjamin, Saul routinely bullies opposing cornerbacks, especially one’s who he feels threatened by. Scouts have been quick to point out that he can be a bit of a diva if he does not get his way. The Chiefs would be wise to hand him the #1 receiver job heading into the season. If he is regulated to the #2 position, look out.

Career Highlights: 1 Samuel 9 - 2 Samuel

29. Arizona Cardinals - Prodigal, S, Judah Prep High School

A surprising pick by the Cardinals who snag the youngster right out of high school. Scouts everywhere questioned whether he should risk it all and try his luck in the league or play it safe and go to college. The cocky teenager will learn quickly that the NFL is a big boy league. Despite the steep learning curve, his talent is undeniable. The Cardinals will have to have some patience with him. The best case scenario is that Prodigal rides the pine for the first year, learns some humility, and makes a run at comeback player of the year in the near future.

Career Highlights: Luke 15:11-32

30. Carolina Panthers - Adam, MLB, Eden College of Zoology

The Panthers select the first ever player to come out of ECZ. The middle linebacker is excellent at two things: dusting off blockers and naming the opponent's plays before they even know what is called. Adam has potential written all over him. One unnamed scout believes, however, that he is one poor decision away from changing the entire culture on his team. He recently married his high school sweetheart, Eve, who the Panthers hope will keep him out of trouble.

Career Highlights: Genesis 1-3

31. Denver Broncos - Timothy, RB, Damascus Road College

The Broncos take a huge risk on the unproven running back out of DRC. Timothy rarely saw the field, often playing second fiddle to DRC’s workhorse back, Paul. When he did see snaps, he showed amazing potential and the Broncos are banking on the fact that Paul taught him a few tricks. Another knock on Timothy is that he declared early for the draft and perhaps could have helped his future stock by staying in the college game. Don’t count him out just because he is young, this is a guy who is driven and has fresh legs.

Career Highlights: 1 and 2 Timothy